Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
