How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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