What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I can't turn off my feet"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
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