Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
