i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
