Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
