the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
