Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you never un-have a 4some
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
