Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
