First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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