I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He has the fingertips of a God
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
