we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
