why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
