I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize