I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
