when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
