I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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