If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
