Swine flu. Run for my life!
I met the friendliest cop last night
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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