Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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