The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
