cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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