No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
3 2 1 whiskey
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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