textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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