I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
