i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
