I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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