a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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