I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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