The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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