i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize