We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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