I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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