dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
