He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
