Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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