it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
