I just made out with a guy for $7.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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