His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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