My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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