god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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