you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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