i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
