I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
