Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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