tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
