One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Randomize
