I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We got so high we made milksteak
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
