Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
