Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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