When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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