so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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