Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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