woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
