dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
