Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
